Day 4

 It all starts here: with the how. How did I come to the conclusion that I needed to love myself? How was I capable to just flip that switch and find my inner awesomeness? Well here goes, we’re diving DEEP.

Flashback to the beginning of the sad (2012-2013):

 I was a very heavy girl, at my largest I weighed 220 POUNDS, and with that came what I am about to tell you. I had a long bout with the ugly eating disorder named, Bulimia Nervosa, which, being as scientific as possible “is characterized by compulsive overeating usually followed by self-induced vomiting, and is often accompanied by guilt and depression.” It was scary, it was bad, and I really loathed myself, I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just  stop! That was my feeling for so long, until a dear friend found out and told my father, I WAS SO MAD, but soon I was so grateful. It was a weight lifted off of my shoulders, I HAD HELP, I WAS LOVED. However, the sadness remained…and with that the self loathing. I was finally able to start recovering, and for the most part, I did. Yes, I would purge from time to time, but today thankfully that has subsided 100%. 

Fast forward to 2014:

I lost so much weight! It was almost the healthy way, but not quite, you see I was working out, and I was eating, but I wasn’t eating enough! This my friends, was terrible. You see, I got so obsessed with how thin I was getting that every day I saw the numbers go down, I would think about what I ate that week, what workouts I did, and what routine I needed to keep watching those numbers drop! This is what the final diet consisted of, breakfast: 1 greek yogurt, lunch:salad mix with some balsamic vinegar, dinner: some chicken or fish and a tiny bit of rice OR a veggie….this may be okay for someone not very active, but I was at the gym for 1.5 to 2 hours a day! No wonder I was watching the weight fall off, and no wonder why I was so tired afterward! I realized how this routine wasn’t a good thing for the long-term.

In the now 2015:

This year I started to eat like a regular person should…YAY!!! With that, I’ve gained about 15 pounds, but I am happy and I am healthy! There have been so many tears, but also I’ve learned to smile at myself because I am strong and I am amazing.  As time has gone on this year, I have learned to manage my time…a tiny bit better…but…I still procrastinate! That’s why it’s 9am the day I want the post to be up, but that is also how you know these are my honest thoughts!

When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person that walked in. That’s what the storm is all about.

-Haruki Murakami

Remember to love yourself on this beautiful day, hurting yourself isn’t worth it, there is a long beautiful road ahead. RIDE. IT. OUT.

Have a happy, crazy and bootastic Halloween you beautiful people!

i. love. me.

xoxo

Tor